I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
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Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
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People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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