frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
