Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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