Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
