Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
