I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
