i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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