That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
