You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
