The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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