So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
