You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Randomize
