I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
