Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
