i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
