i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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