im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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