My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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