I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
