I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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