I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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