someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
