i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
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Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
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So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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