If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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