I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Found the puke drawer
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
