i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
