So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
