just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
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I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
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Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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