i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
