My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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