i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i love accidental penises.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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