I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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