i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
