Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
