there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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