Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
