My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
