dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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