i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
