my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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