theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
