@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
