im gay
i know
yea but for you.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
