Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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