guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
