When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
