Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
