That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize