Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
