If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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