Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
