Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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