She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
