Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
