Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
did you just send me my own nude
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
