I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
