cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize