Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
