Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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