i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
